Well, I got together with fellow Vintage hair fan Keena hardcoresince3 and shot some Hawaiian themed photos yesterday. She put her hair in lovely rolls (that I failed to capture well on camera). Here's a sneaky peak... I post more later.

( Pink Hawaii! )

Since when am I a "fuck buddy" for honestly truly caring about a person and devoting every last ounce of me to them? If I love someone I believe I'm a bit more than a fuck buddy.



I hate when fucking males talk down on me because I have a vagina... And because I have a vagina the automatically relate to every other female they've had a shitty experience with.

Blah blah blah. I'm tired of being reclusive.

I can't decide weather I should cut off some bangs or not.....

I like my current hair

but I like bangs too.

I like change...

but I dont know if i should do it...

It's been a while since I wrote in here. Not much really has been going on aside from the fact that I got my shit together a bit and will be photographing people more often. I'm really tired right now though and I do not wish to go about writing all down. Maybe later.

I had an aweful attack last night. Does anyone know any websites with tips and hints and help for people with social anxiety? I really don't want to take meds because my body does not react well to pills. I'd like to find alternative ways aside from drinking...

Assitance please?

Pardon the shitty web-cam quality and the ugly grossness, I JUST got out of work... but here is the photo of my newest piercing.



I'd write an entry after this but I worked 3 days straight and 6-8 hour shifts each day... with no sleep in between. So suck on it. I'm gonna take a nappy-wappy!

I'm such a dreamy mood right now. Getting full sleep almost seems abnormal to me.
I don't know what to say in this thing... Hahah.

Well yesterday I pierced my septum. The piercer was really sweet. He was a friend of Kat's that she met at the bar. So he gave me a good deal. So far so good no infection or horrible pain at all. It wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be.

Lately I've had a horrible obsession with Rita Hayworth. I am constantly singing her songs and watching videos of her even collecting photos. blughhh.

I have temporarily or maybe even permanently took down my myspace. I need to get myself figured out and settled. I feel a wave of change coming and right now I can't worry about a dumb Superficial personal profile. The only reason why I've decided to keep my livejournal is because I hold a dear close, strong attachment to it. I like to look back on the past entries and see the great change I have gone through in the past 5 years (soon to be 6 years). I also need something to help me write down and express my thoughts. Keeping a physical book journal is hard for me to do and I cant risk the chance of my mother fiding it and sending me off to some nutty psychologyst.

I really need to focus on getting well, physically, mentally, spiritually. I am constantly battering my body. My health is shit. My sleeping habits are just whacky. As with my eating habits... I eat just one meal a day, my hair is coming out at the root. I am opening myself to people too much. I constantly mix alcohol and sleeping pills... in hopes that I will some how kill myself or on good nights go to sleep early. hahaha. I'm not really ready to let go of the sleeping pills or the alcohol at the moment...I just wont use them together... but I do need to admit that I have an addiction to sleeping pills, and I have gone through my parents, family, and even friends, and strangers medicine cabinets. To find any kind of prescription and nonprescription drugs that make you drowsy. I have stopped this recently. I have a problem being in large groups without some kind of downer. I also don't know how to cope with loneliness so I often find myself drunk because I can feel happy actually being alone. I am really seriously dangerous when I am by myself. I a usually alone too. And so basically 24 hours of the day I am on some kind of mind altering drug. I really need to stop this all because I am going to find myself dead soon.

I need to fix a lot of things before I find myself dead soon.

I depress myself by listening to this song on repeat.
It's even my profile song and so I can't avoid it.

It's too bad that I'm going to miss these guys on the 19th. I really wish I had the money.
This is some of my favorite lyric of theirs. It hits me near home. Try to guess why? Hahah.



It's way too late to be this locked inside ourselves
The trouble is that you're in love with someone else
It should be me. Oh, it should be me
Your sacred parts, your get aways
You come along on summer days
Tenderly, tastefully

And so may we make time
Try to find somebody else
This place is mine

You said today, you know exactly how I feel
I had my doubts little girl
I'm in love with something real
It could be me that's changing

And so may we make time
To try and find somebody else
Who has a line

Now season with health
Two lovers walk a lakeside mile
Try pleasing with stealth, growing old
See what stands long or ending fast

Oh, how I love you
In the evenings, when we are sleeping
We are sleeping. Oh, we are sleeping

And so may we make time
We try to find somebody else
Who has a line

Now season with health
Two lovers walk a lakeside mile
Try pleasing with stealth, growing old
See what stands long or ending fast




These long conversations are slowly killing me. I know I'm just damaging myself. I'm crazy for thinking I can have him. He is so far away so out of reach. I just hope he'll go through with the words exchanged. I'm a girl of my word. I go through with the things I say. I really need him. It's been 5 yours of being confused, empty, discontent, lost. When I try to move on it fails. The others don't matter.... They came and went like seasons. He always lingers in my heart leaving a deep imprint in it. I'm permanently damaged by a boy who is practically a stranger. I'm insane.

I miss Richard a lot. I've missed him for four years.

I miss Gio too.
I miss watching Flight of the concords with Lauren.

I miss listening to Javi talk 100 mph.

I miss talking about movies and books with Molly.

I miss talking dirty with Meggy.

I miss being awkward with Steele.

I miss Kat like hell...
even Jose! Although I don't think he likes me much...haha

Adrienne isn't the same anymore.

I think I'll get shit-faced tonight.

And forget it all.

I wish I was emotionless.

I cant decide if I'll go to e now or later....

I have a big day tomorrow! First actual day of work.

They told me that I better come with an empty stomach because
my first 5 days will consist of me stuffing my face with chocolate.

Day after tomorrow I'm gonna have to take of my piercings.. :( boohoo.

I don't care for chocolate that much... :/ Oh well!

I've given up on dying. Too much uncomfortable pain involved usually.

As much as I would like to see if there is really an after life... I guess I can wait.

I had a dream last night, about Richard. It was so random and out of place to.
I hadn't thought of Richard in weeks. The dream so so real it was almost eerie.
Heres how it went:

I was in Disney world like place (It's some weird theme park I always dream of) with Lauren, Andrea, and someone else I cant remember. We where just walking into the the gates of the theme park and Lauren says "Ohhh gurl look back!!!" and odd enough it was fucking Richard. I the dream I felt my heart pounding and the blood rushing to my head and the fluttering feeling in my tummy, the feeling I used to always get when I saw him. BUT SOME HOW I racked up the guts and stopped him and said "Hey Richard! My god what a surprise to see you here!" and he was like "Wow hey! you aren't running away!". Then he leaned in kissed my cheek so softly and told me I looked different. I nearly died. Then where where at some house where my mother was baptizing a baby I didn't know... We where all sitting in bleachers watching this happen like some odd sports event. And I turned to Andrea and said "Hey look whi it is!" and looked over at Richard and said "Remember Andrea?? She was in love with you too." and he chuckled. Then the next "scene" we where sitting on some odd white canopy bed laying down just talking about life and other things, he had said he missed me all of this time. And I dont remember the rest from there. I woke up sweating and shivering at the same time.

It was just so strange. That I had this dream, so randomly. I was so infatuated with him. I didn't know why, theres just something about him... that feels right. I really wish I could see him and tell him. I do regret never talking to him and running away from him when he came up to me. I don't know why I was scared. I guess I was scared of being disappointed when I got to know him. I was scared that he would be totally different from what I thought he would be like. He has offered to fly me over to Missouri to go see him. But I'm always to scared. I just realized what my deal with Steve was :(, he looked like Richard and in a weird way he reminded me of him. He just had a zillion tattoos. It took me a while to see why I liked Steve, then when he disappointed me I had felt horrible but then I realized.... he reminded me of Richard. I miss Richard..

Ungh, I feel sick now. My stomach is all in knots. I want to see him. I want to cry. I don't know what to do. Does this dream have some meaning? Is it symbolic? Will it happen??

I've decided that I am not going to date or even look at boys for awhile...

I realized that I am most productive when I am alone.

I've never been really happy in relationships anyway.

No cock will hold me down no longer. Hahaha.

Besides boys are dumb and they waste time.



OKAY! Back to cleaning!

My room is a pig sty. I need to start doing some serious organizing in here. Off to work I go.